Broken On The Inside, Smiling On The Out
by YouHaveStolenMyHeart
Summary: Darcy Centric, after her rape she's lost. Can Spinner find her again? It doesn't look likely, but he won't give up on her.
1. Chapter 1

**I've been planning on writing a Degrassi story for AGES and have finally managed to start one. **

**OK so this story is focused on Darcy and her struggle after the rape at the beginning of season seven. For the purpose of the story, Spinner and Jane aren't together because even though I adore them as a couple, it would have caused a lot of complications. And Darcy never has her 'thing' with Mr Simpson. **

"Hey, Darce." Spinner muttered softly as she drifted past him, looking distracted and confused. Darcy frowned. "What do you want, Gavin?" She asked, affronted. Spinner stifled a laugh. "Since when do you call me Gavin? No one calls me that." He protested, giving her that look she knew to well. She softened inside, but her expression didn't change. "Have you seen Peter?" She asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Spinner longed to reach out and stroke it, but he restrained himself. "Peter? No." He responded in a clipped tone. He never liked the guy. He was so smarmy and perfect, the headmistresses son. Blonde haired, blue eyed tosser as far as he was concerned.

"Well if you do, I'm looking for him." She replied, giving him a cool glance. They were both frauds, acting like they were mere acquaintances instead of two people who collided and changed each other for the better. "Want to ditch Media Immersion?" He asked, a look of hope appearing in his eye. She bit her lip, visibly torn. "No, I can't" She protested weakly. He nudged her playfully, knowing how to press her buttons. "Come on, live a little. What's the worst that could happen?" He pointed out, staring down at her. She faltered, a lump forming in her throat. "Maybe it already has." She whispered to herself, but he didn't catch it. He just smiled at her, wishing she would agree. "OK." She caved in, following him down the hallway.

"How have you been?" She asked, folding her arms and trying not to let her guard down because of where that got her the last time. She was so vulnerable, so scared, so alone and she absolutely hated that. She tilted her head slightly so her hair came as a barrier between her and the boy she had loved. He shrugged. "Fine, I guess. How about you? I heard some things..." He muttered softly, staring intently at her. She wrenched herself away from his mesmerizing gaze and dragged a hand through her hair. "Don't Spinner." She said tearfully. She didn't want him thinking badly of her. She didn't care what most thought. Everyone at the party? To them she was just another drunk girl. To Peter she was out of reach and she wasn't willing to fall back into his arms. But to Spinner? She wanted him to see her as the girl he lost, the girl who made him laugh, the girl who changed his beliefs and revealed his softer side. The girl he wished he could have back.

She knew she'd spiraled out of control recently. Her attention seeking antics, the cry for help, the self loathing feeling that had possessed her ever since _it _happened. She was well aware, but it didn't stop her. She turned back to Spinner, aware that he was staring at her. "What?" She asked crossly. He grinned slightly. "Nothing. It's just your hair glinting in the sun. You look beautiful" Well that was a lie. She was wearing her baggiest jeans and an old long sleeved hoodie, her hair was unconditioned and lank. Besides, even if she looked beautiful she sure as hell didn't feel it. She felt broken. All she wanted was for Spinner to pick up the pieces.

"Stop it, Spinner. And anything you hear is not your concern." She muttered stiffly, as they wandered over to the bench just outside the school. He sat down heavily and looked at her, clearly worried. Their knees touched and she wanted to move her leg but at the same time didn't want to draw attention to it. Besides, the feeling of warmth was a small comfort to her and she needed that now more than ever.

"I just want you to know, Darcy, that if anything has happened to you then I'm here for you. Even though we broke up I consider us friends." He told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. She flinched and he moved it away as if he had been burned.

Neither of them spoke for a while. It could have been because they were both enjoying the fresh air, or wondering if they were going to get caught ditching. But neither of those were true. They were both longing for each other, but they just couldn't find the words.

"I've never felt the way he made me feel." She said in barely a whisper. Spinner stayed silent, aware that Darcy needed to get her demons out, demons she had been fighting and still would be for a long time. "Dirty and used. And... unconnected. And scared" At this point a tear fell from her face, and it was like the switch flicked off and the darkness engulfed her. She sobbed, letting her tears fall into her lap and clutching her hands together. Instinctively he put a protective arm around her shoulder and held her close, still not saying a word.

"I don't know what to say, Darcy." He muttered, stroking her long hair, his fingers tracing down to her neck. She leaned against him, falling into his embrace.

"Nobody does. That's the problem."


	2. Chapter 2

**So I was originally going to have this as a one shot, but I decided I wanted to explore the relationship between Spinner and Darcy further, along with the friendship of her and Manny (which I love)**

"Darcy!" Peter ran to catch up with her, grabbing her arm roughly. He looked annoyed, and she stared back at him. "I waited for you outside Mr Simpson's room. You weren't there." He told her accusingly, following her and she walked down the hallway. She shrugged.

"Sorry, Peter. I didn't feel like going." She replied after she felt him wanting a response. Peter relaxed slightly, and loosely put his arm around her. "I was worried." He admitted, pulling her close. She felt suffocated but didn't pull away: she needed Peter, even if she didn't want to be around him. With him she felt like everything could be normal again, back to how things used to be.

"Want to hang out after school?" He asked, grinning at people he passed in the hall, putting on a show of being Mr. Popular. Darcy almost smiled at this. As if popularity was important, as if being noticed made any difference. It didn't to her, all she wanted was to be invisible.

"Can't. I've got to see Miss Suave, remember?" She informed him, and a flicker of irritation crossed his face.

"You could at least _act_ like you want to spend time with me, Darcy." He told her moodily, taking his arm from around her shoulders. Darcy blinked and quickly took his hand. "

I'm sorry, Peter. Of course I want to spend time with you. I just need to go to counseling. I think they'll be over soon, I'm definitely getting better, I promise." Saying that, she leant up and kissed him on the cheek reassuringly. She felt him smile and capture her mouth into a long kiss.

As she pulled away, she noticed Spinner standing by the lockers, and at that moment he looked at her. She bit her lip and looked back to Peter.

Their moment earlier had meant nothing: he was just someone to talk to, and probably hadn't really listened anyway. _Peter _was her boyfriend, the one she should be telling this to. He was the one who cared, who had stuck with her when she had been the epitome of a mess. She needed him. Spinner was her past. That was all.

"Hey... you could come with me?" She suggested, taking his hand as they began walking out towards the tables in the courtyard.

"Er... Darcy, you need to deal with this on your own." Peter told her as if talking to a child, and she felt her cheeks flush, feeling like she was stupid for even suggesting it. She wordlessly nodded and sat down at one of the tables.

"I think they're going quite well, though." She carried on in a cheerful voice, breaking open a packet of crisps.

"That's good. I know you're capable of getting better, Darcy, and when you do everything will be great again." He said confidently. Darcy felt annoyance at this comment: Peter was doing everything he could to sweep this under the rug, and pretend it hadn't happened at all. She felt the need to set him straight, a burst of emotion hitting her and she turned to face him.

"Peter, I can't change what happened. I wish I could, but I can't. I was raped, and that is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. You can't just ignore it in hope that it will go away. It won't. It changed me, in ways I'm not even sure of yet. All I know is if I'm going to get better I need your support." She told him, her voice cracking. Peter sank down, looking defeated. He sighed and didn't say anything for a moment.

"How can I help you if you push me away?" He asked, then grabbed his back and walked away.

Darcy stood up too, ready for an argument. "So you're just going to _abandon _me?" She asked incredulously, her voice raised. Peter didn't look back, just carried on walking, leaving her alone.

"Fine. I'm fine, just trying to piece my life back together. I'm great." She muttered to herself, crushing the packet of crisps and tossing them into the bin.

"You know, talking to yourself is the first sign of madness." Darcy looked up to see a friendly face.

"Hey, Manny." She half smiled as Manny plonked her tray down beside her.

"Want to talk about it?" Manny asked gently. Darcy shook her head.

"I'm kind of sick of talking about it. But you'll be pleased to know that Peter just out-jerked himself by walking off." Darcy confessed, with a half smile.

Manny laughed slightly. "Well, that doesn't make me happy, but it doesn't surprise me. He'll come round, Darce, he just needs some time." Manny shocked Darcy by saying. Out of everyone, she'd expected solidarity from Manny when it came to her hatred of Peter. Manny took a slurp of her drink and nudged Darcy.

"It's not that I've joined the I-heart-Peter group, I just think he's been good to you. I still think he's a major ass, but he's shown a different side lately." She explained, and Darcy nodded wordlessly.

Maybe Manny was right: Peter had changed, he'd really got his act together and rallied around her, but something about it didn't feel right. It was as if he was doing this just so when she was 'cured' everything would fall back into place. He couldn't comprehend how broken she was, and he was trying to pretend she had already put herself together.

How wrong could he be?


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, I'm sorry for not adding to this in ages, schoolwork got in the way. This is basically Darcy's feelings about the rape. Though I could not love Spinner/Darcy any more if I tried, I also wanted the fic to be about Darcy learning to cope with being a date rape victim, with lots of cute Spinner scenes thrown in, of course. Those two are just too perfect. I plan on writing more Degrassi fics, but since my OTH stories never got finished, Im going to be making this quite short, im thinking maybe 8-10 chapters. Hope you guys like it, feedback is always helpful. **

She could feel him on her, pushing her down onto the bed, touching her, tasting her.

She sat up in bed, feeling for the bedside lamp next to her. Light filled the room, and she got her bearings on her surroundings.

She was in her own bed, alone, just reeling from a nightmare which just wouldn't leave her alone.

It was only at night when he came back, whoever he was.

It was a blessing that she didn't know the details of what she went through, she knew it could have been a lot worse if she had been conscious, but her dreams filled in the gaps.

She knew it was just her imagination, but it still made her skin crawl.

The worst thing was knowing that the thing she had prided herself on, the thing she had kept so close to her heart had been snatched away without her permission.

She'd imagined it to be magic and beautiful, everything it was supposed to be.

But now she was just a victim of date rape, a statistic.

Worthless.

She pulled up her sleeve and traced her fingers along the scar, a permanent reminder of how her life had spiraled out of control.

She quickly covered it again, not wanting the dark thoughts to submerge her again, and just looking at the scar was a little bit inviting.

Instead, she grabbed the box which was under her bed.

In it was memories she had collected from her time at Degrassi: Candid shots of her and the spirit squad practicing and laughing, school reports, and something which caught her eye.

She picked it up, staring at the smiling face which was taunting her.

It was her own, with Spinner's arm wrapped around her protectively. It was the last time she felt truly safe, when she was in his arms, when she was _his. _

Now she was nobody's at all.

"Darcy, what are you doing up?" Darcy dropped the picture as if it was on fire and whipped round to see her mother standing anxiously in the doorway.

"Sorry, mom, I couldn't sleep." Darcy said truthfully, turning to face her mother fully.

Mrs Edwards came and sat down onto Darcy's bed, though she hadn't been invited.

"Well it's a very important year for you, Darcy, so its not surprising if you have things on your mind." She continued, waving her hand in the air as if waving away all of her daughter's troubles.

"I'll go and get you a glass of water" She decided, before Darcy had a chance to speak.

As her mother made her way downstairs,

Darcy pulled her duvet around her and wondered why their relationship was so fractured that she couldn't tell her the most important thing that had happened to her.

Maybe because she was ashamed, and felt weak when she used to be so strong.

Or because she didn't want her parents to worry about her.

But she knew it was really because they would see what they had been denying: that she wasn't perfect.

That she didn't have everything under control.

She wasn't virtuous and happy, everything they wanted her to be.

And if she couldn't come to terms with that how on earth would they?

"Here you go." Her mother gently placed the glass down on the coaster and turned to look at her daughter.

"I'm going to go to bed, and I think you should do too. You look tired, Darcy" She gently took her daughter's hand, trying to comfort her and act mothering, but instead she pushed herself further away by pulling back.

"Sorry, I forgot about your..." She tapped her own wrist diplomatically and cleared her throat.

Darcy smiled slightly. "It's OK, Mom. It's healing." She paused, holding onto the sleeve as if tempted to prove this to her mother.

Instead she looked her in the eye.

"I'm healing."


	4. Chapter 4

Darcy took a breath before walking through the main doors into Degrassi the next morning.

It was as if overnight things had changed and she needed a moment to catch up: Peter had possibly ended their relationship, and her and Spinner were finally talking again after months of avoiding each other in the halls. Not that she was pleased about any of those changes, of course.

All she wanted was for things to go back to the way they were.

"Hey." Peter ambled up to her, his boyish grin in place as he followed her down the hall. She put her head down and carried on walking, not wanting to have another fight with him but also not wanting to just let it slide.

He made a show of catching up with her and stood directly in front of her, blocking her and keeping her from moving forward.

"Not talking to me now?" He sneered, losing the friendliness. Darcy bit her lip and forced herself to speak.

"Well excuse me for not wanting to talk to you when you humiliated me yesterday." She told him, angrily pushing her hair back from her face. Peter folded his arms.

"Can you blame me? You're not acting like a girlfriend, Darcy." He told her gently, as if lowering his voice would make his words sting less. Darcy blinked back tears, not wanting him to see how much he affected her.

"Now you know how I feel. You're not exactly boyfriend of the year right now either, Peter." She said, and he snorted, preparing himself for another argument.

"I don't know how you can say that. I've tried so hard with you lately. I've let you take out your feelings on me, I've spent time with you when you're being antisocial, I even stuck with you when you tried to kill yourself!" At this point he was shouting, and everyone in the hallway was listening intently to their conversation.

Darcy didn't look Peter in the eye as she shoved past him, trying to pretend she wasn't aware of all the faces around her, their eyes fixed on her.

"OK, I take back what I said yesterday" Manny sidled up to her and nudged her with her hip playfully.

Darcy feigned a smile and carried on walking. "Darcy, wait. Honestly, he doesn't deserve you." Manny tried again, gently touching her friends arm in an attempt to make her see that what she was saying was the truth.

Darcy shrugged and didn't bother replying. What was the use? Manny sighed and tried one last time.

"Darcy! Can't you see you're better off without him? He uses you. That's what he does, he did the same with me." Manny told her. Darcy came to a standstill and turned to look at Manny.

"You're telling me that you getting drunk and taking your top off is the same as me getting raped?" She asked slowly and incredulously.

"No, that came out wrong. I mean that Peter took advantage of you when you were vulnerable." Manny explained.

Darcy nodded and the two walked into the canteen to sit down before the first bell went.

"I just need him, Manny." She said, pulling her green bag closer to her as people jostled past. Manny nodded, drumming her fingers on the table.

"Yeah, but do you love him?" She asked casually, closely watching Darcy ponder the question.

"I... I don't know. I guess I do." Darcy replied after a moment of thought. Manny tilted her head to one side. "You sure about that?" She asked gently. Darcy pushed her hair back over her shoulder and nodded earnestly.

"Of course. I mean... he's been so good to me lately." Darcy tried to express how she felt about Peter Stone, the boy who had undeniably changed for the better since his days of 'Degrassi Girls Gone Wild'. And she knew she should be grateful because he had changed for her, and proved that there was a decent human being underneath the selfish, arrogant exterior.

The way he looked at her, and leaned down when he wanted a kiss all made her smile and get a fluttery feeling, but did she love him?

No. In all honesty she didn't.

Manny looked at her, clearly knowing what was going through her mind as she smiled supportively.

"You can't force your feelings, Darcy." She said softly.

"Especially if another certain boy has your heart"


	5. Chapter 5

Sitting in English class, staring at the clock later that afternoon, Darcy wished she was anywhere but there. It's not that she didn't care about her education: of course she did, it all just felt so empty and pointless.

She became aware of a figure walking past, someone she recognized. Her hand shot up, getting Miss Kwan's attention.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" She asked in a bored tone. Miss Kwan waved her away with barely a nod. Relieved, Darcy rushed out of the classroom and caught up with Spinner.

"Hey, stranger." She smiled slightly and stood beside him as he grabbed his books from his locker. He looked surprised to see her but his face broke out into a small grin.

"Darce, hey. No Gavin this time?" He joked, and she smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, I was taking my feelings out on you." She confessed, leaning on the locker next to his.

"It's ok." He told her, looking her in the eye. She stood up straight and touched his arm.

"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" She asked, her eyes pleading with him. He slowly closed his locker and stared at her for a moment.

"Wouldn't it be better if you talked to Peter?" He asked steadily. Darcy nodded.

"Yes, you're probably right, but he never hears what I'm trying to say anyway." She replied, not being able to hide the bitter tone.

Spinner raised his eyebrows. "Well, someone should listen." He muttered, giving her a sideways glance. She looked at him and smiled encouragingly, she wanted him to see how much she needed him, even if she didn't want to admit it to herself.

She was being ridiculous: this wasn't how she was feeling, this was just what Manny said messing with her head.

Manny didn't know what she was talking about, of course Spinner didn't have her heart. He was barely a part of her life anymore and that was her choice.

She couldn't deny how much she had been thinking about him recently, though. Memories of them would creep back into her mind, forcing their way out of the box she had locked them in to keep herself from missing him.

"Haven't you got class?" He enquired, swinging his bag back on to his shoulder.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Yes," She admitted. "But I'd rather not go."

Spinner processed this as the two made their way to the place they had been just a few days before, it was becoming their place and she liked that.

"So what's new with you?" She asked, brushing her hair back from her face as the wind relentlessly whipped at it.

He shrugged in a way she knew so well, that slight lift of his shoulders he turned to when he didn't know what to say.

She remembered leaning her head on that same shoulder so many times, relying on him in every sense.

"Not much, just the usual." He replied. Darcy couldn't help but roll her eyes: typical Spinner, holding back and not telling her how he really felt.

"Are you and Paige...?" She couldn't help but ask. She had heard they'd had a bit of a 'thing' not long after she broke up with him for good, but she was kind of interested to know what had actually happened.

"Nope" He replied plainly with a slight smile. She watched his expression, silently urging him to continue.

"We were never really anything, Darcy. We were looking for something in each other which neither of us found, relying on the memories we had." He explained, sounding quite deep for Spinner.

Darcy nodded, wondering why she had asked when she already knew that Spinner and Paige were not meant to be.

He turned to her, suddenly looking urgent and serious.

"I'm sorry, Darcy. I never realized how much I screwed everything up until I had to see you and Peter together. I miss you so much. You made me a better person, you helped me reconnect with all my old friends, and if it wasn't for you I don't know where I would be." He said, gently taking her hand.

Darcy shook her head. "Spinner, you did it by yourself. I never made you a better person: you did. How can you not see that?" She asked, pulling away without even realizing she was doing it.

A look of hurt passed his face and she felt guilty for that, but he was putting pressure on her to be the person he thought she still was.

She stood up and walked away.

"Darcy, wait. You saved me. Let me do the same for you." He took told of her hand before she could get away. She twisted back round and found herself inches away from Spinner's face. She didn't move, just looked into his eyes, seeing how seriously he was watching her.

Without saying a word, he moved forward and captured her lips in a kiss: it had a sense of urgency as if he was expecting her to pull away. What he didn't know was that when she was in his arms she felt complete.

When they broke apart, he watched her expression closely.

Before she could stop herself, she smiled even though she knew what had just happened was wrong. She was with Peter, wasn't she?

And she was in no way prepared to start something up again with Spinner when he had shown he wasn't capable of being faithful to her.

Still... they were so good together, she remembered all the times they had laughed and enjoyed each other's company. And unlike with Peter, Spinner never pressurized her into going further than she wanted to.

"I've been wanting to do that for so long." He confessed, his smile so genuine that she couldn't help but mirror it.

"Me too."


End file.
